A letter to my Mother....

Dear Mom -

It has been nearly 8 years since you passed away and rarely if ever does a day go by when I do not think about you.  But you are never more in the forefront of my mind than in the month of May and around Mother's Day.  It's a difficult time for me. I've never quite understood why it is more difficult than any other time of year, but I think it's because everywhere around is screaming mom and it hurts my heart.  It pains me to think of all the things that you are missing.  And while I trust that you are rejoicing in Heaven with God never thinking for a moment about life on earth, I often think of all the ways life would be different if you were still with us.

I often think about what a different person I was in 2002 when you died.  I was still such a kid and knew so little of what life is all about.  My life is so different now. I am so different now.  Physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally.  Time certainly has a way of giving you a different perspective on things, and I am thankful for that.  That being said, there are so many things I wish I could tell you that you taught me that has molded me into this woman I am today.

You taught me what it is to be a woman.  You taught me how special and unique women are and what a gift they are to the world.  You taught me to be a woman of character.  I remember you telling me what a responsibility it is to be a woman, how sometimes women have to fight for respect.  You showed me by example that being a woman of strength, modesty, character, humility, faith and beauty would always gain respect from others and help me live a life in which I could respect myself at the end of ever day.

You taught me that it is not only okay to fail and make mistakes, but that these things are important.  You taught me that it's important to not let these things define you, but to allow them to become the building blocks with which you build a better life for yourself.  You taught me to never be afraid to fail because failure is what teaches you the lessons you need to become a person of quality character. You taught me to pray for the courage and tenacity to always pick myself up, dust myself off and come back stronger after I fail.

You taught me the beauty of chronicling the important moments of life.  You are always taking pictures, writing journals, getting excited about those precious moments that bring the beauty and richness to life.

You taught me the power of a positive attitude.  You were always honest about the fact that you struggled with having a negative mindset an awful lot.  Through your honest admission of something you struggled greatly with, I learned to take that and learn from it.

You taught me the value of generosity.  You were the most unfailingly generous person.  You would do anything for anyone.  People knew they could rely on you.

You taught me to love music.  You filled me with an insatiable love and appreciation for all forms of music.  Some of my best memories growing up were riding in the car with you going wherever singing to old 50s and 60s songs on the radio.  Because you were in that singing group in your 20s, you always sang the harmony part two songs on the radio.  Never the melody.   It's because of you that I have an ear that can hear harmony and that is a valuable skill that has served me so well in my life.

You taught me the beauty of a creative mind.  You had one of the most creative minds I have ever known.  You were imaginative, inventive, creative and resourceful.  I used to think that you could do anything, create anything.  You had this amazing ability to take ordinary, boring, wasted things and make something so remarkably beautiful out of them.  Through that, you taught me to look for the beauty in everything and never waste anything.

You taught me the importance of loving well.  You always said that loving people meant nothing if you didn't back it up through your actions.  There is not one person that you loved that did not know that you loved them.   You were always great at showing it in even the most small, profound ways.

You taught me that I will not ever appreciate anything that I have if I didn't work hard for it and fight for it.   You always told me that nothing worth having comes easily and you were so right.  You showed me that unless I am willing to put my whole heart into something, it must not be something I truly want.

You instilled in me a deep love and passion for adoption and all of God's children.  I cannot count the times growing up when you would tell me that I was so extra special to you because you got to choose me.  Adoption to me is the most beautiful, concrete example we have this side of Heaven of how God loves us.  You showed me that by loving and raising a daughter that you did not give birth to.  Never for one moment in my life did you make me feel different because we were not blood related.  You taught me that love is greater than anything.  And while life was never perfect, I never once doubted the love that you and Dad had for me.

You taught me to force myself to find the treasures of every situation in life, especially the most difficult things.  You always said that there is something good to take from everything in life, good and bad.  Sometimes you have to look hard for it, but it's always there.

There is so much I wish you could be experiencing with us still today.  It breaks my heart thinking that you never knew my husband, you won't ever know our children, you won't get to see the life God has allowed us to build, the home we share.

Most importantly, I wish you could see that your life had such great value and meaning.  I wish you could know what a beautiful legacy you left.  I know you never thought very much of yourself and you never felt like you really accomplished all that much in your life.  I wish you could see how wrong that way of thinking was.  Your life had value and meaning because you were loved.  You were appreciated.  You were valued.

While I feel a little strange saying this, I guess your legacy is me.  I was your only child and the person I feel like you poured the most of your heart into.  That makes me feel humbled and it makes me feel the weight of the responsibility I have in my life to keep your memory alive and always remember the best parts of who you were, while continually learning lessons from things you struggled with.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.  I miss you every day.  I'm extraordinarily thankful today for things like memories and love....which death cannot destroy.  I love you.

What's in a name?

When we first found out I was pregnant, my mind jumped straight to baby names (after practically having to pick myself up off floor from the shock, of course).  Some of my friends who are Moms have told me that they started right off obsessed about the nursery, the baby's gender, paint colors, etc.  I started off in an obsession about baby names.  Giving a child a name seems like one of the most pressure-filled tasks in the world.  It's something little he or she will carry with them ALL of there life and what they will be KNOWN by.  Wow.  Heavy decision. 

So I started praying......and pondering....and because I was in tears on a daily basis panicking about this decision, my sweet and ever-patient husband decided to be proactive.  I walked in the door after work one evening to find a book of baby names sitting on the kitchen counter that my husband had purchased at Barnes and Noble on his way home from work.  We started the seemingly never-ending task of reading through names.  Many possible avenues to take in choosing baby names....

Do we want to use Biblical names?

Do we want to use family names?

How important is the meaning of the names to us?

Will the names we should make our baby sound respectful when he or she is a grandparent?
(To explain, I have this weird thing about cutesy names.  Just think about it.  Some of the cutest names for little kids do not sound as cute when the kid is like 60.  Haha.)

How important is it to us for our child to have a name that is unique and not average?

Will this name sound professional if our baby becomes a doctor, a principal or an elected official?

All these things running through our minds made for a lengthy decision process for finding possible names for this little baby we've all affectionately started calling "Baby M," for McGregor.  I suppose it's better than calling the baby "It" or "The Baby" like we were doing.  Those seemed so uncaring. 

I'm beyond happy to report that we finally found names that we both love and think our family and friends will love also.  I also feel very confident in saying our child will have a name that sounds respectable when he or she is 2 or 72....whether he or she becomes an electrician, a teacher, a contruction worker, a doctor, an engineer, a pilot, a musician or even holds a political office.

So.....what are the names?!?!?

Although two close, treasured friends know, we plan on keeping them a secret until Baby M makes his or her grand entrance into the world.  It's exciting to us to know that it will be a joyful surprise for our family and friends......but to keep you pondering for the next several months, here are the initials for the names we have chosen.  I think you'll be able to figure out what the 3rd letter in each name is.  If you somehow happen to actually figure it out, write it down and give it to one of us.  If it turns out that you are correct, you'll win a prize.  Not sure what it will be yet, but I'll make sure it's something special.  Happy Guessing!    : )

Girl Name:       E.C.M.  (Meaning: hard-working, beautiful woman)

Boy Name:      L.J.M.   (Meaning:  strong willed, God's peace)